Kind Moon is a coaching and facilitation practice, led by Rob Douglas, with a range of offerings from preparation/integration coaching, tea sessions, mindfulness practices, and beyond. Integration coaching supports individuals seeking self-guided processes for presence with significant and transformative experiences (from retreats, sacred medicine ceremonies, or major life transitions). To learn more about how Kind Moon aligns with your intentions, please book a free discovery call or reach out via the Kind Moon website.
In the 1980’s, Dr. Richard Schwartz, a family therapist, developed the foundational work for what is known today as Internal Family Systems (IFS). In my sphere and broader community, the practice is regularly referenced and embraced. For those who may not have prior awareness, IFS is a healing modality (often practiced in a traditional talk therapy space) that conceives each person as a system of protective and wounded inner parts, centered around a core Self. In Schwartz’s own words,
The IFS Model represents a new synthesis of two already-existing paradigms: systems thinking and the multiplicity of the mind. It brings concepts and methods from the structural, strategic, narrative, and Bowenian schools of family therapy to the world of subpersonalities. This synthesis was the natural outcome that evolved after I, as a young, fervent family therapist, began hearing from my clients about their inner lives. Once I was able to set aside my preconceived notions about therapy and the mind, and began to really listen to what my clients were saying, what I heard repeatedly were descriptions of what they often called their "parts" -- the conflicted subpersonalities that resided within them.1
In my own basic interpretation: our inner life holds a constellation of unique parts interacting and expressing themselves in dynamic ways, with whom our most core version of self can observe and converse.2 And, critically at the heart of this, there are no bad parts (each part, even in distorted views on how to healthily express itself, is valued and worthy of love). Overall, one could argue this is not a completely novel approach. The idea of a True Self, in removed observation of one’s separate behaviors or thoughts, is explored throughout ancient wisdoms and faiths. And, the ideas of living with levels of selfhood or parts of our inner life are also reflected in previously existing, modern therapeutic practices (think of id, ego, superego for example). However, what Schwartz brought attention to more presently is how parts within this internal system relate to and converse with each other.
Diving further into the IFS framework, there are defined structures, systems, language, and mapping tools used for internal explorations guided by therapists and practitioners. On one’s journey to meeting these parts, IFS identifies two overarching categories: Protector parts, which are met in two subcategories of Managers (preemptive) and Firefighters (reactive), and Exile parts. Protectors often identify in a specific, internal job; they are working hard, with loyalty, to help us not feel the pain of our Exiles (living in a state of “doing”). As my teacher in this work, Heather Smith of The Moxie School, wrote, “Protectors CAN NOT stop doing what they do until the part they protect is out of exile.” Exiles are overwhelmed with burdens and beliefs; they tend to be young and hold these heavy laden identities from wounding experiences as early as in Utero through adolescence (living in a state of “being”). Again, referencing Heather’s teachings, “Exiles are the parts of ourselves that experience any version of pain, trauma, wounding; implicit or explicit, overt or covert.” We have many Protectors and Exiles in this aforementioned, vast constellation.
When working with Protectors, there are defined steps (notably IFS Six F's: find, focus, flesh out, feel toward, beFriend, and fear3) on the road to safe and supportive accessing of one’s Exile parts. And, there are guided processes toward Exiles experiencing an unburdening, leading toward a transformative invitation for parts to find restoration and new relationship with Self4 . There are tools for identifying and distinguishing Self from parts, such as the Self characteristics like the 8 C’s (calmness, clarity, compassion, curiosity, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness) and the 5 P’s (presence, patience, perspective, persistence, and playfulness). And, there are many techniques and terms (which I will not try to contextualize) such as “Hope Merchant,” “Retrievals/Do-Overs,” “Direct Access,” “Unblending,” and more; each of which are cautious, wise, and ethical ways to engage in a work that touches into significant traumas and long-held beliefs. IFS is thoughtfully designed, soundly structured, and presents a specific worldview in how we see ourselves and understand our very existence (for instances, I believe the IFS notion of Self presents a spiritual framework).
To return to the notion of “no bad parts,” one of the more powerful and transformative aspects of this practice is the acceptance of and appreciative love for all of one’s personhood. When we see our Protector showing up to offer an Exile shelter from further wounding, we see an attempt of service and care by the Protector (even if enacted from lessons no longer serving us, which may now harm to our wellbeing). Consider, as an example, a moment where an old emotional chord is struck and we want to cry or find emotional release. Yet, we also fear being seen as vulnerable; so we hold back our tears and push down the pain. This is for you to decide if such behavior serves you and contributes to your path of growth. For me, I know that the repression of my emotions keeps a cycle spinning (and often increasing in severity) until I either hit a breaking point where feelings overwhelming show up or, conversely, I become deeply disconnected from my feelings. Whereas, compassionately meeting my full feelings brings me closer to knowing an original wound and to caring for it. Even still, in this example, a healing encounter with our feelings is blocked by a “gotta be strong” voice inside. This is a common example where we have a part (Protector) saying “stop it, don’t cry, toughen up” to another part (Exile) that is hurting yet has been shamed for their tears when young (perhaps as inappropriate or weak). What would it be to look at each part with empathy and space for understanding? Should we be upset at a small child (Exile) for wanting to hide away when they were made to feel ashamed? Could we offer a sense of empathy to a voice (Protector) coming forth saying, “I will do my best to protect you through what I saw working before (hiding) and help you be strong in your ability to practice that more. I care when I see others don’t and I’ve got you covered.”? I think both responses of the Exile and the Protector are understandable, even if not aligned with what I now believe most healing.5 So, the invite of this practice is to look at each of these patterned and learned beliefs with caring and welcoming eyes. We are welcomed to say to our parts, “Wow, thank you for trying to protect the little one in me that was hurt. And, little one, I can remember why you feel this way and it makes sense that you want to hide away. Thanks to both of you for doing the best that you could with what you knew. I love you and feel so loved by your attempts to care for me.” And, in this mindset, the process opens to help each part find truths aligned with one’s present self, in their most core and loving being.
I heard from a few teachers in the field (though have not confirmed in any readings) that a not-insubstantial-number of the founding cohort of IFS therapists, who helped refine Schwartz’s work, were also Hakomi practitioners. Hakomi is an experiential therapy which holds mindfulness and somatic awareness in support of healing attachment wounds and developmental trauma. Learning of this history came as no surprise to me. IFS leverages similar tools as Hakomi within the practitioner’s offering of a nonjudgmental, mindfulness approach in bringing awareness to present sensations of a client. They overlap in their following pathways of sensations and feelings as inroads toward healing of past and longstanding divisions inside. And, they both have been very informative in my own journey.6
My road with IFS began through exposure from friends working with IFS therapists, followed by self-guided learning (online lectures, podcasts, IFS Institute published articles and books), personal parts access in therapy and guided times, and then via training from the previously noted Moxie School (which included instructor observed, weekly practice sessions). My trainings do not include any IFS Institute certificates nor do I work as a licensed practitioners in any form; I cannot advise on individual therapy decisions. That said, I do feel that my journey in learning and practicing grants me an opportunity to hold a fairly developed opinion on what aspects of IFS bring value to me, and what elements do not. At the end of the day, everyone should do their own homework with any therapeutic or healing modality to discover what works best for them. The efficacy and impact is relative to the individual and subjective to their position in time.
I like IFS quite a bit. It is thoughtfully and ethically designed in both architecture of our inner landscape and approaches to engage within that. It is effective for many and, likely, informative for all. But, what I like even more than IFS is the much broader practice of parts work. Technically, parts work is the larger category in which IFS falls (as there are multiple therapies and healing modalities held under that categorization); however, I am more generally referring to the use of “parts work” as a practice in and of itself, beyond the held framework of IFS. For me, parts work is to IFS as the Episcopal church is to Catholicism: looser, lighter, and less dogmatic.7 I love the ethic and care shown by the developed, systems approach of IFS. Yet, I also find it cognitively based even when pointing toward somatic sensations. I feel there are hardline rules of engagement and far too many defining acronyms. There are core beliefs around what Self is (built upon a core belief in a separate Self existing at all) that come across religiously held by many adherents. And, there appears to be a lot of gatekeeping on what IFS is and is not, alongside who should and should not help practice it. Again, these are things that do not appeal to me; while for some, these highlights stand out as distinct benefits of the practice. Hard lines can create a sense of safety.
Recognizing and exploring our parts are so helpful. What is that part of me that wants one thing, while another part of me does the exact opposite? What are these parts trying to teach me or protect me from in my own story? What ideas and feelings are these parts holding, that long for acknowledgement and understanding, so that I could let go of conflicting interests and move toward a whole and authentic navigation from the deepest sense of myself? How can I best love all parts of me? These questions are important to me and exploring them, through an internal dialogue that recognizes the multitude of my own inner life with compassion and curiosity (instead of judgment and fear), gives me greater access to ease and wellbeing. And, beyond all of that, the practice of parts work is imaginative and fun!
Inner exploration, without having to name or give defining language, is invaluable to my life today and for many years prior. I appreciate the simple act of closing my eyes and feeling into sensations of my body to discover where I hold a feeling or energy without getting lost in my busy brain (I know, I am a broken record with my love of somatic experience). And—this is something that I hold sacred and do not anticipate everyone to relate to—there are Parts, with which I feel in connection, that are beyond “me” (things which some might relate to as spirits, ancestors, transpersonal consciousness, or even God). If you’ve been reading my prior Substacks, you already know that embracing a sense of mystery and unknowing in these parts is an approach that I find valuable and is core to my beliefs. I practice parts work as a modality for self-exploration and support others in their own use of it within coaching and facilitation modalities. It is vast and beyond the guides and playbooks of IFS. It is mysterious, flowing, and open. As such, I walk lightly and leverage these tools to gain perspective, not working them as therapy toward a specific unburdening of trauma. Such trauma work is skillfully done and benefits from the ethical, sound, and developed systems of therapies like IFS and Hakomi. Yet I believe, at its most basic form, general parts work is an available means, every day, to meet ourselves with authenticity. Available for all who can bring breath and awareness to the moment (at any level, even while distressed).8
I still recommend IFS as a specific approach for therapy. I know of excellent resources, if that feels useful and you would like to connect about them. I hope that feels clear in my critique. In the meantime, I also value granting oneself a simple practice of meeting our parts without the rigid framing of IFS. Just as we are, without having to learn too many rules or “should’s” before beginning. Next time you feel divided in your desires or actions: look at those two parts of you (one that desires toward a direction and another that does not) and see if they have something more to say when you give them each space, with compassion and curiosity, to explain why they are trying to help you. You may just find some clarity in yourself, learning simple approaches to appreciate the wholeness of you. And, you may find the parts of these practices that work best for you, as we continue to love all of ourself.
Following the breadcrumbs…
Not related or completely related. Who is to say? But there just might be something here to inspire a next step.
PODCAST: George Saunders’ Ghoul (on The Writer’s Voice). Thus far, without exception, I have loved all things written by George Saunders. And, hearing him read his work is delightful. This one is endearingly strange and a journey to experience. Bonus, it’s provided free by The New Yorker podcast, which you can find most anywhere that you do podcasting. Treat yourself.
MUSIC: Boku Wa Chotto (Mac DeMarco covering Haruomi Hosono). Head-to-head, I prefer the original track on the debut 1973 Hosono House album. BUT, my hot recommendation here (for Spotify users out and about) is using this linked song to seed a radio station. If that’s a new action to you, click the three dots next to a song and select “Go to radio.” Molly and I have enjoyed quite a few evenings of cooking dinner to the lovely tunes and vibes that follow.
ARTICLE: Max Falkowitz’s The Pu-erh Brokers of Yunnan Province (in Saveur). This is a wild ride from many years back; yet, I still find myself sharing the article with folks when explaining the allure and intrigue of tea. My tea journey is pretty tame in what I collect and drink; though, I have sat with folks chasing magic leaves hidden out there and tasted the teas they discovered. Worthy of the hype.
On the development and path of IFS, see quote’s source article, Evolution of The Internal Family Systems Model By Dr. Richard Schwartz, Ph. D., available on the IFS Institute’s website.
If helpful framing, on a somewhat superficial level, think of times when you have said, “a part of me wants to go out to the dinner at So-And-So’s but another part of me wants to stay home tonight." Perhaps even in this simple example, you experienced two parts of yourself in conversation around competing desires to be in connection with others AND to protect yourself in solitude or rest.
Anyone else find “beFriend” a bit annoying when listing out something identified as 6 F’s? Why not just say “Friendship” and assume that be an active process? I know they all need to be verbs/actions, but it still feels a little lazy having one of the F’s showing up as a “B”. Quick, grumpy rants. Thanks.
Unburdening is a BIG word that encompasses a LONG journey of being in relationship with one’s parts. It goes into trauma and hidden away stories. At its essence, the word is describing an invitation for the Exile to release and unload those wounded beliefs which feel core to its identity. I do not bring it up cavalierly and I emphasize that this is often a major breakthrough which arrives following many months of “work” with a guided IFS practice (or related therapies).
In a perfect world these parts could have learned there is no need for shame nor hiding away feelings to be safe. But, this present world and the harshness of life do not always give space for those truths to be found (sadly, they may not even be true for many in their childhood homes or beyond). Such wounds and burdened beliefs are born and held, inviting attention and care.
I am an ongoing participant of Hakomi therapy and took the Hakomi Institute’s Mindful Somatic Psychotherapy: An Experiential Introduction course. I cannot speak with much authority or expertise on the practice; however, I am an advocate for its potential and impact as observed through my own healing path. If I can ever support anyone in learning resources and connecting to practitioners, please do not hesitate to reach out.
Take that joke with a grain of salt, my Papally devoted friends. I was raised in the Catholic Church, then confirmed and later practiced as a Lay Eucharistic Minister in the Episcopal Church, and found myself not fitting well into either in my life beyond. Always, my appreciation for both of their contributions to my own story is deep, complicated, and full of love.
I recommend checking out Martha Beck on We Can Do Hard Things podcast. This is a great example of parts work in action, beyond the bounds of IFS. Having listened to Martha Beck (one of my wife’s ALL TIME favorite teachers in the world!) speak about Internal Family Systems many times, including her dialogues with IFS founder Dick Schwartz, I see that she is very committed to supporting the practice. However, in this live demo, she also goes well beyond the guideposts to finding her own practice within it.
…making parts work work for her parts. Ding!