Safety first (when life allows)
Thoughts on creating well held containers of healing and growth.
Kind Moon is a coaching and facilitation practice, led by Rob Douglas, with offerings including integration coaching, mindfulness practices, tea sessions, and beyond. Please book a free discovery call or reach out via the Kind Moon website to learn more.
We all know the words, “Safety not guaranteed.” They are an unfortunate but true sentiment. Safety is not an intrinsic right, nor is it part of the natural order of life. Mother Nature does not provide safety for all, in any environment. And sadly, humanity itself did not evolve to prioritize safety for each other. This world is unsafe and dangers remain present. Beyond that, being unsafe and leaving the bounds of safety can serve for growth and aid in development. Medical discoveries and healing pathways, explorations into unknown realms from the depth of sea to the surface of the moon, fighting injustices, shielding or rescuing those in need, and creating change in culture or governance, these all benefited from the great risks (and tragic losses) of those individuals stepping beyond the bounds of safety. Many of us boldly endure and find greater resilience through endangering our physical, mental, or emotional wellbeing, as we dare into the unknown (or push into a frightful known). We are not born to be perpetually safe.
And still, amidst knowing that, I value building and offering a sense of safety. I am not entirely sure when that concern arrived but I held it from my earliest years. There is this old VHS camcorder recording of my fourth birthday party. The kids are all gathered around a game where we each try to toss beanbags into a large wooden Cookie Monster with a gaping hole in his mouth (think Cornhole for 80’s preschoolers). Instead of laughing and enjoying the game, you watch me very earnestly walking around the Cookie Monster to make certain each friend is getting their turn and feeling included. Apparently, I possessed an early obsession with fairness, equity, and following the rules (and I love that little kiddo in me for sweetly fostering those first two values, while the latter value may be a bit reflective of some early control issues that haunted me for the next forty years—but, as with all parts of us, I like to believe that anxious rule obsession was held in tandem with loving intentions to care for myself…and ideally others). I always want people to feel welcomed and included, even when I fumble through how to do that and try to unlearn a lifetime of biases and blindspots around the essential needs of many (myself included) along the way. And, while my young adulthood was also defined by striving to take risks and stretch myself, safety, seen through a lens of belonging and understanding, seems to have been a through-line from the beginning.
As I mention often, the pillars of Kind Moon are safety, trust, and rest. Those words are each intentionally chosen, in that specific order. During these exhausting and fatigue-inducing times, rest feels ever more critical. Rest is a way to meet ourselves and allow for self-healing and growth. Rest can also be a means to fight against wounding cultural structures and harmful power dynamics.1 And to rest deeply and fully, we benefit from a prior existing trust. Trust in ourselves, trust in those around us, and trust in our environment. When we can trust, we find opportunity to let our hypervigilance and constant guardedness step back and give space. When we trust, we further extend our lives into the collective and share in connection with the world. And to trust with confidence, we benefit from a foundation of safety. Finding a sense of safety in the physical and emotional bounds of friendships, professional relationships, structures, containers, and the many spaces of life that allow us to lean into trust, offering us the ability to move into rest.2 Safety benefiting trust, trust benefiting rest, rest benefit our healing, our healing benefiting life.
These are big swings, I know. Yet, even in the most basic forms, I find safety makes for more effective and easeful living. When we sit with another person in conversation, if we can offer a sense of safety (allowing ideas and stories to be met with nonjudgment, openness, and attention), we invite greater vulnerability and honesty. When we go into a work project or collaborative endeavor, if we can offer a sense of safety (establishing shared agreements of support, commitment, and respect), we invite greater creativity and focus. When we explore practices of wellness with ourselves, if we can offer a sense of safety (being willing to explore the new paths with beginners minds, curiosity, and gratitude), we invite greater passion and joy. These early frontend efforts, to consider how we hold a container with safe boundaries and clear intentions, open life to be more expansive and connected.
I see the potential irony of writing that boundaries allow for expansiveness. How can limiting one’s fullest capacity encourage growth? I think we can look toward nature for many examples of that, even as nearby as our backyard gardening or tree trimming. Life moves into well cared for spaces. Perhaps we fill vacuums or perhaps we are naturally spurred to overcome restraints, I do not know with certainty. But, I believe we grow through the aid of safe boundaries. I love the oft cited example of the Peter Summerlin’s American Society of Landscape Architects 2006 Student Award winning project on children playgrounds:
A simple study was conducted to discover the effects of a fence around a playground and the consequent impact it would have on preschool children. Teachers were to take their children to a local playground in which there was no fence during their normal recess hour. The kids were to play as normal. The same group was to be taken to a comparable playground in which there was a defined border designated by a fence.
In the first scenario, the children remained huddled around their teacher, fearful of leaving out of her sight. The later scenario exhibited drastically different results, with the children feeling free to explore within the given boundaries.
The overwhelming conclusion was that with a given limitation, children felt safer to explore a playground. Without a fence, the children were not able to see a given boundary or limit and thus were more reluctant to leave the caregiver. With a boundary, in this case the fence, the children felt at ease to explore the space. They were able to separate from the caregiver and continue to develop in their sense of self while still recognizing that they were in a safe environment within the limits of the fence.3
There is much to say on discerning what a healthy boundary may be (and conversely considering when unhealthy boundaries are control patterns of defensiveness or avoidance). And, there are brilliant writings and teachings on what it means to honor our boundaries. I do not want to get lost in the weeds with such a major topic when writing on safety as a whole. Though, I will emphasize that a core component of safety in community arrives through exploring and understanding our own healthy boundaries, being able to communicate those with compassion for ourselves and others, and determining our personal and collective commitments within that.
In my work of facilitation and coaching, one of the paramount steps of establishing safety comes through explicit and clear communication around intention, process, and transaction. I believe that one’s practice should be transparent and understood.4 When offering a service, avoid being defensive or evasive to a participant’s questioning or their desire to “look under the hood” of any shared work ahead. And in that, there is also room to admit when an answer may be, “I don’t know but I will see what I can learn?” I am not saying that a facilitator or coach (or service provider of any kind) cannot have their own boundaries too; there is always room to not work with a person who may be using demands, critique and questioning to force an uneven power dynamic. But, in a collaborative and trusting partnership, safety is built on shared awareness and openness.
A significant step that brings safety into trust (beyond the great benefit of Time itself) comes through establishing agreements. Shared agreements are straightforward, explicit, and unanimous terms of collaborative engagement. Establishing them for a group can be playful and easeful, despite the seriousness of their nature. To explore creating shared agreements with others, I recommend going into a space that is quiet and removed from external distractions with ALL people involved in the upcoming endeavor or practice. Extend an invitation that all ideas and needs are welcomed without judgment and will be given consideration. Then ask what commitments feel welcoming, safe, and honoring. This could be done at the start of a mindfulness class, a sacred medicine ceremony, or any intentional group conversation. It can even be practiced in relationships. What follows is an expression of needs, an openness to receiving them, and an attempt to find how they can be navigated and best met for all.
Sometimes a simple ask may carry unexpected complications. I have seen examples like this show up before a time of group work and exploration:
Facilitator: What is something that we can all agree upon to help this time feel welcoming, safe, and honored?
Person A: For me, it would feel safer for everyone to turn their phones off and be present for our time. It would help me know that we are all sharing commitment to each other in this. And, another part of that is my feeling uncomfortable with the potential of this being captured or recorded invasively.
Person B: I understand that ask. I don’t think I can do so fully, as I am on-call for X reason and need my phone. But I can commit to not capturing anything from this time while on my phone.
Facilitator: Thank you. Could we agree to everyone who is not on-call turning their phones off and those who are on-call keeping their phones over on that shelf, to only use for checking messages related to X?
Person A: Thank you. That meets my ask well for me.
Person B: That works for me too. I may be a little distracted but I will do my best to only get up every 20 minutes or so to check my phone. Or, I’d even be comfortable if Facilitator kept my phone and alerted me if communications shows up from X.
Facilitator: I can comfortably do that while serving in my role. If that feels aligned to everyone, can we all agree by raising our hands?
Group: <All raise hands>
I use an example that may feel trivial yet represents a process of both negotiation and openness. And, as time with a large group or even a single partnership unfolds with small agreements like that: 1) the container of safety is strengthened further with each additional share and commitment; and, 2) a sense of trust arrives through collaborative thinking and respectful communication. Some shared agreements may be significant asks around identity or trauma triggers. Other shared agreements may be small ones around comfort and preferences. All suggestions are welcomed to the table. Asks that may not be unanimously aligned are held in consideration with respect and given time for the requesting individual to consider if it is a true need (in which case, there is ALWAYS an option to stop or step away prior to beginning the time, if the group cannot meet such a need)5 or is a preference (in which case, there is an invitation to consider if all could feel safe exploring that as a preference with respectful intention while also acknowledging limitations to fully commit).
There is a lot of nuance and consideration in discussion of navigating such agreements. At the core, the idea is to create a time which is open and collaborative in a spirit of safety and support. The modalities may be adaptive and dynamic to what feels true to you and those with whom you are in community (despite the defined guardrails, safety is still a dance at times).6 The process of bringing forth healthy boundaries for self, proving clarity and transparency, and designing shared agreements is co-creative and collaborative. The goal is: seeking containers of safety for all.
Today, I value and aspire to create a sense of safety when I go into self-exploration or hold space for others. As I often say, life is exhausting and most days we “do the work” enough by simply stepping out of bed into the world. I see no reason to keep piling up chaos or hardship when leaning into practices of connection with self. And, I love offering reprieve through helping design secure energetic containers, built on solid grounds. Yes, I know that risks benefit me too and that daring boldly carries significant value in my life and others. I hope to always keep those two paths of held safety and bold exploration open for me. Times for rest and times for running wild. As I live between these two, my hope is to recognize where my intuition, passions, and wisdom may guide.
I’ll invite anyone interested to join me with living into these questions. What are the ways we find our respite and restoration? How can we create more safe and trustworthy practices, allowing for the easeful healing and growth of rest? And, how can we share that safe reprieve with others in our life?
Following the breadcrumbs…
PODCAST: Wesley Morris’ The Song That Found Me (on The Daily). This is a Special Edition piece released by New York Times’ The Daily podcast back in June of 2020. That summer was a surreal (while still so real and visceral) moment in time for us all. I love Wesley Morris’ writings, podcasts, interviews, and beyond. When I listened to this piece on the day it originally published, framed through the window of Patti Labelle and her 1985 rendition of If You Don't Know Me By Now, I immediately hit play again to take it in once more. I then shared it with many friends. And, I happened to give it another listen this week and found the words (and song) still landed in my heart. A great time machine to the summer of 2020 and those vast, complex feelings that I know we all carry with us today.
SUBSTACK: Alessandra Maria on Waxing and Weaving. Alessa is a dear friend and one of the most talented artists I know. Her work is awe inspiring. This is an excellent interview on her thoughts around being an artist in these present times. Further, the beautiful, magical, and inspiring Molly Reeder (my beloved partner in life) has a new paid subscription offering to check out in this post!
PODCAST: Ethan Hawke (on Talk Easy). Poignant, clever, slightly manic, and wise. I found the tone and topics of this discourse warmly inviting and leaving me wanting to hear more. I learned a few things along the way and it inspired me to check out The Last Movie Stars documentary series (which, three parts in, I am loving).
Yes, rest can be an act of change and upheaval. I have not read her longer form writings; though, I have enjoyed numerous interviews with Tricia Hershey around her Nap Ministry and book, Rest as Resistance. Hershey beautifully offers an overview of her four tenets of rest as resistance while speaking with Shereen Marisol Meraji (found here): 1) Rest is a form of resistance because it pushes back and disrupts white supremacy and capitalism; 2) Our bodies are a site of liberation. And that brings into the somatics the idea that wherever our bodies are, we can find rest; 3) Naps provide a portal to imagine, invent and heal; 4) Our dream space has been stolen, and we want it back. We will reclaim it via rest.
I am not saying that these are requisites for each other. Many people find rest in situations that do now allow for trust; rather, they know rest is an absolute need, even without the support of others or their environment. And, many trusting relationships with others (and with self) arrive in unsafe and high risk settings. A bond of trust can be formed with faith of what is possible, even if there is no evidence of safety patterning. I see that. And, I still believe that each of these pillars benefit one another; I still believe that they build upon the foundations of the one before, toward their greatest potential.
I recognize this experiment and reporting are a far cry from a true research study on childhood behavior. Their writing feels anecdotal and perhaps questionable to establish any real conclusions around. However, I also know this conclusion to be true from my own life and observations. Present me with an opportunity where there are no parameters, I will be frozen in my uncertainty; give me some basic guiding rules, my mind explodes with ideas and action takes place.
Transparency and clearly understood practices require skillful tact, particularly within offerings of mindfulness or means of assisting self-exploration. The invitation is toward safety but not toward encouraging over-analysis. There is an expression when preparing to go into a facilitated ceremony or expansive experience that one can get “stuck on the runway.” The idea is that, as we prepare to take on a new practice or engage in being present with an experience, we also can potentially overthink our preparation and get lost in our thoughts. This can either prevent one from “taking off” into the experience before even beginning or it can serve to take us out of being present with the experience once started. That is a real tension which pulls a tightrope to walk upon (between poles of preparation and over-preparation). But, if I am going to err on one side, I will always err on transparency and added detail to allow for greater safety; I’d rather create a safety net below that tightrope, even if adding a greater potential to look down too much.
The option to walk away or say “no” is critical to creating safety. Choice should be felt and acknowledged. For some, given certain dynamics, saying no may feel hard or scary. In which case, I believe it is important to consider multiple opportunities and invitations of space and choice to those not feeling strong enough in their voice to initiate. Each person brings their own sovereignty and autonomy into life. When creating a facilitated time, everyone deserves the right to choose their own engagement. This may not be how life always presents itself but in our shared community endeavors, I believe it is important to strive for.
"Safety benefiting trust, trust benefiting rest, rest benefit our healing, our healing benefiting life."
I love this. I've never made that connection that safety is the first step to being able to find true rest, but of course that's the case. How could it be any different?
I also love your mention of the study with children and the playground. In many ways we don't outgrow that inner child - when we understand the boundaries we are working within, it allows us to expand and touch them end to end, likely in ways we would have been too shy to similar to those children.