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We are entering month three of the Kind Moon Substack. Since beginning this new endeavor into creative expression and digital community, beyond my welcoming post, I wrote about integration, rest, parts work, inner truth, tea, safety, and insomnia. I played with my style and form a bit (amidst some sloppy editing gaffes). I tried my best to offer learnings from my practices, relatable stories from my life, and connections to ideas from others. For some pieces, I received very moving and poignant reflections via Substack comments, replies over email, and conversations with readers in my local community. Other pieces echoed into the void with little acknowledgment or feedback. I gained quite a few new subscribers; I lost a handful of existing subscribers. And, I am still chasing after the core thesis of this all, while holding to my welcome post’s intention “to simply commit and follow the flow.”
This week’s flow, perhaps ironically, led me toward questions of resistance. Resistance came up in dialogue with friends quite a few times and was deeply present in my own practices. I felt the return of a question which I asked in my life for years: why do I resist doing certain things that I feel are important?1 Sometimes it is unopened bills piling up on my desk. Sometimes it is responding to text messages. Sometimes it is getting up early to meditate. Sometimes it is going to the gym. Sometimes it is sticking to dietary commitments. Sometimes it is finishing a work project. And, this time it was writing my Substack.
I sat staring at this open draft multiple times throughout my week. I opened it, I started to type, and then I would click away to look at an article, check my email, or watch unrelated content. I drifted into whatever distraction found me, ultimately slipping away from my computer to leave my writing task undone. Why? I enjoy writing these. I value the practice of creation. I look forward to the opportunity to connect with others. I do not have writer’s block nor lack content ideas. I feel no definitive commitment to it being weekly if pause is needed. And, nobody is pressuring me externally. I do this because I want to to do it. I do this because I like it. So, why the resistance?
I know that I can be lazy. I generally get my required to-do’s done in life; however, I genuinely enjoy moving slowly, resting my body, taking in reflective time, and simply being. I do not have a huge drive in me to build bigger and stay on the go. I am not particularly “success” oriented.2 And, head to head with all the options of life, I am as happy reading a book beside my dog on a couch as I am most anywhere. But, the resistance to which I am referring is not about being drawn toward my inner-turtle speed of life. This is not about preferring another option, rather it is actual avoidance and aversion.
When I was younger, I started to have severe cases of such resistance. Certain school tasks, like homework or longer projects, would start to feel like giant mountains to overcome. I would put off and procrastinate until the very end. Most of the time, I could scramble in the eleventh hour by staying up too late on the final night or working away on the morning the thing was due to get the assignment completed in time. The majority of those efforts worked out for me and built a false belief that I simply did better leaving things until the end. But, on occasion, I would not be able to make the final push happen and would find myself taking a sick day (whether I made myself sick with the stress of the incompletion or I was completely psyching myself out to avoid having to confront the failure, I am not clear—the psychosomatic expression of it was real enough that I would spend the day in bed miserable). I wanted to do well in school and to learn; but, in certain situations, the smallest tasks would turn gigantic and insurmountable in my mind.
Over the years, I began to unlearn that false belief about being better as a last minute worker. I learned some basic skills of preparation and pacing. And, I finally learned to work on things little bits at a time. I learned time management skills and prioritization strategies that eased my burdens immensely. As I transitioned into adulthood, I found that I generally could work myself steadily enough through projects, so that I never had to face that last minute collapse or overwhelm. But even still, unexpectedly, I experienced times when I simply could not get started on certain projects or tasks. I have moments that I remember feeling deep shame from just staring at my work in front of me, unable to start on something for hours before I finally could push on and get it done. I even recall one project that the hours turned into days, and those days turned into weeks. I could not get the work started, as much as I wanted to do so. And, ultimately, I had to hand over the project lead to a coworker and confess I was stuck and frozen.3 It was painful and confusing to see something, that I knew how to do well, sit in my lap while I felt unable to act on it. And, I still question why that happened. Something inside of me built a massive, unscalable wall during that time which seemed to surround me.
I am grateful that since I learned more mindfulness practices, reduced my overall stress, found healing pathways for my depression, embraced healthier life habits, and leaned more deeply into connection with myself that those big freezes do not show up in such severe ways.4 But, I still see a smaller version of avoidance and freezing arriving here and there in less significant spaces (mentioned before with life admin, communications, and such). And, I have to still ask myself, “Why do I feel resistance here? What is it that is making me feel incapable to do this thing that I know I want to get done?”
The answer is not always clear. Yet, I do find if I can ask myself those questions with some clearheadedness and acknowledge that I am feeling resistance (as opposed to not even looking at the question to start with and hiding away from the issue), I tend to be able to reorient myself. I can take some breaths in and make a simple clarify shift. I put together an action plan and reduce the mountain back down to the tiny hill that it actually is. Sometimes, even as silly as it may feel, it requires me saying to myself something like, “I DO want to get those bills off my desk right now. I am not sure why I have not been doing so these last couple days. But I do see that I have been avoiding it and would like to change. I can commit 10 minutes to organize that pile in priority of need, open up the one on top, get it paid, then take on the next one, and then finish off the last one. I will be done with this. I just need to pause everything else and acknowledge this as my top priority for the next 10 minutes, without anything else needing to be done until after I have paid these bills.” And that gets me going. I organize the simple actions with a plan in my mind and acknowledge my desire to be done with it. I take what is starting to feel much bigger than it actually is and bring it back down to the life size, tiny task that is in front of me. Maybe the avoidance is related to a larger sense of too many things on my plate, or maybe the bills are connected to some greater anxiety with finances, or maybe it is connected to not having a great filing system for paid bills at the moment, or maybe it is something triggering at a deeper level that I have not yet acknowledged. Honestly, most of the time, the root of it does not matter as much as just being able to acknowledge my desire and creating a simple actionable step to get things done.
Yet, within that, I do see that there are questions that I could be asking around the “why” and toward seeing my resistance patterns building up. The tides of them seem to ebb and flow. Sometimes, I seem to just knock out everything that I want and feel energized to keep going. And other times, the energy is not present, there are little things that I am avoiding which seem to get backlogged amongst others and start to pile up. And, ultimately, I find myself at a crossroad of choice. Will I let the backlog overwhelm me into old patterns or can I bring forth breath and awareness to invite me into action and flow? The more resourced that I am feeling internally plays a significant part in what direction I will go in that crossroad.5 And, my hope remains that the more connected I become to self, with peace and presence, the less I will arrive at those decision points to begin with.
I bring up all of this for three reasons: 1) I hope that sharing my struggles and path may help others feel less isolated in their own similar concerns or challenges, 2) I want to encourage those who are exploring resistance patterns in their own lives to know that there are helpful tools out there to bring awareness and encourage change, and 3) I am curious to learn more from those who may want to discuss these things together. I feel grateful for my journey and the growth that I saw over the years. I also know that there are resisting parts of me which may always be there and will continue to need care. Even as I mature in my habits, old patterns can show up and ask things of me. Sometimes, that may even be while trying to write a Substack and going late into the night, hours before sending out. Whatever the case, I am grateful to be in this life of learning and expanding. I am grateful to be pushing into and often through the resistance. And, I am grateful for those of you who are willing to join in with me to explore.
Following the breadcrumbs…
These caught my attention this week, often while distracting myself from more present needs. Even if they may not have been aligned with my priorities of the moment, they still carried value and I don’t want to discredit my time (in whatever form it may be spent).
READING: Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. I read this book over the last week or so. It is a bit of a beach read. Though, it is a well written and compelling story with a fun window into the world of gaming, to which I have no connection. Worth a read if looking for a good page turner.
PODCAST: Salman Rushie (on The Ezra Klein Show). A dialogue around perception and assumption created through public personas and narratives. This is an intriguing look at the disconnect of identity that arrives through the stories we tell about others. And, a fascinating look at a writer’s life through many different windows.
MUSIC: Promises (Floating Points, Pharoah Sanders and the London Symphony Orchestra). These dreamy and transcending sounds of this 2021 recording arrive as the final album Pharoah Sanders released before his death in 2022. I love so much of his music and these tracks seem like a perfect gift to leave the world before moving onto the greater beyond. A beautiful way to spend some time if looking for a listening experience.
I remember being so intrigued as a young teen when first reading from Paul’s Epistle to the Romans, “For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” Found in Romans 7:18, NIV translation. I take little comfort in his notion of sin nor agreement with his words “for I know that good itself does not dwell in me.” But even still, I felt his deep struggle to understand the internal battle of our resistance against living out our commitments and desires. And, I took comfort knowing this mystery wasn’t a new one.
Success is a very specific and complex word to me. I have many thoughts on what that means and, in truth, I deeply desire for my version of success. When I say that I am not particularly “success” oriented, I mean so culturally speaking, in the terms that we popularize with finance and fame. But yes, I do desire to succeed at my own goals and motivations, for sure!
The process of that handoff to my coworker, sadly, was not an easeful one of simply recognizing my shortcomings and asking for help. It arrived through their compassionate calling out and questioning of my lack of production on the project. I wish I had been mature enough to simply bring forth the need and not have to be painfully dragged into an intervention of sorts. There is no shame in asking for help or admitting when we are not up to a task. Personally, I think our work cultures should embrace this more. We are not meant to be an expert on all things, nor can we always be driving our work lives with a full tank of gas each and every day. I wish we could create more collaborative environments that supported each other when feeling stuck or lacking capacity. And, that we could present more means to be coached out of such spaces or shuffle responsibility in a manner that allowed for us to regroup and recharge. I hope that becomes more available in life for all of us.
I listed out some major shifts in my life as if they may have arrived in quick succession and then brought on a singular change. That was most certainly not the case. These shifts each took place over long periods of time with slow bearing fruits. They arrived through many missteps and resets, and came through the aid of mentors and friends. But, they did arrive and they did bring change. And, I am here to support others in that too (as I continue to seek support for myself, always!).
As does the overall ease my nervous system. I cannot emphasize how directly proportional my times of resistance are to when my nervous system is feeling unregulated. It’s not the only factor, but being under-resourced and unregulated seems to be a key factor in awakening old patterns that I felt were behind me. And, bringing presence and care to those needs makes a world of difference.
Love this Rob, thank you for sharing. Resistance seems to be one of those things we all struggle with, but often silently. Reading your experience with it, and contemplating some resistance I am personally facing in my own work - helped me realize that maybe (at least personally), resistance often has an overlay of shame.
Seeing that clearly now, I can't help but wonder where that comes from? Is that universal? Why is there a sense of inadequacy when resistance shows up? It really feels like we expect the superhuman out of ourselves sometimes, that running into problems is a signal of personal failure.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on it, as someone who is currently up against their own little wall with some tasks!